I just wanted to tell you….

A few weeks ago (months? I dunno), I received an email from my Alma Mater. They had apparently tried to send me their quarterly Alumni magazine and had it shipped back to them. I move more often than the Middle East revolts, so I’m surprised it took them this long to lose track of me. I’d been trying to shake them for years, but was too lazy to tell them so. So when I received an email back from them, asking me to kindly update my mailing info, so that I could hear of all the goings on happening on my old stomping grounds, I finally took advantage of my opportunity to tell them what I’d thought of my time there, what I thought of them, and that I didn’t really want to keep up the pretense of a relationship.

This was the email I sent back to them. Ahem:

Dear nameless university Alumni Department,

On the day that I graduated in 2005, the speaker at the ceremony went on a long tirade about how important it is for alumni to give back to the school and how we should all seriously consider giving money once we were gone. It went on for quite some time as we all sat there in disbelief, and as our student loans kept gathering interest quietly in the background. This was BEFORE any of us received our degrees. I cannot recall the name of the speaker, however, right then and there I was done with the nameless university

For a school with such a fine name attached to it, what a crass and classless thing to do. Appealing to young graduates for money they do not have as they are sitting and waiting with their friends and family to receive what they have tirelessly worked for over the course of four or five years is disgusting. At the very least, the charity plea could have waited until we got our degrees. That day should be about the graduates, not about the ego of the University and it’s desperation to receive funding. 
I will not be updating my information with the nameless university. I do not wish to receive any further communication from the nameless university. That atrocious farewell along with the mediocre education I received from a University that is coasting only on Maclean’s recommendations and not any actual merit of its own was the end for me. 
I also really appreciated the ceaseless phone calls I got the summer after I graduated, whereby some perky undergrad pestered me for money as I pounded the pavement to try and find a job that my degree had left me woefully unprepared for. I did wind up finding one. At the Sunglass Hut. 
Kindest Regards,
My name
Feeling unashamedly pleased with myself, I immediately forwarded the email to a couple of people, so as to bask in what would surely be their unadulterated awe at my spectacularly crafted (if only slightly cowardly) email and way with words. I was met with far more praise than I’d anticipated. However, the glow of their warm words has worn off, so I now offer it to you, dear internet, and expect the same glowing reaction.
In all honesty, it really was quite disgusting. Holding graduates hostage while they canvassed for money that we didn’t have. Way to go, guys!
But, to give them credit where credit is due, they never did respond to me. Though I’m sure I was circulated through the alumni department email system. Ha! My legacy lives on! At least until the next disgruntled grad sends them an email. Ah well. I’ll take what I can get, even if it is just some silence from their end.

5 responses to “I just wanted to tell you….

  • May

    That? Was amazing. I sent it off to at least a dozen people and they adored it, of course.

  • Courtney

    That was great, fitting and definitely needed to be voiced as that was extremely inappropriate!

  • Romi

    And May forwarded it to me and my reaction was pure joy 🙂 Give glowing accolade where it’s due, well done!

    PS: I am FINALLY getting my “blog reading” act together this week, so your new blog has been added and to my blogroll and blogsurfer…feeling more organized already.

  • theduffboy

    I have only 5 letters for you: FTMFW! That was one email they did not see coming. Kudos for writing and sending it!

  • Scott

    Your reply is glorious–I can’t help but cheer you on!
    I didn’t attend my college graduation ceremony–I was just glad to get my four-year degree after ten years, and get on with it. But if I had, and would have heard a speech like that, I’d have been appalled, I’m sure!

    By the way–I love the look of your blog, I’ve never seen one like it! This antiquated-paper appearance makes all of your posts, as well as our comments, especially unique!

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